For I Am Yours & You Are Mine


For I Am Yours and You Are Mine

No matter what my faith will always remain strong, no matter what I do or how far I might seem away from you, my belief and love for you forever remains strong and nothing can take that away.

I sit overwhelmed with anxiety; once again, I am close to something my heart wants so badly and instead of being grateful and faithful, I’m filled with anxiety, fear and impatience. How can someone like me who has so much love for you be fearful knowing all you are capable of and knowing all you have done for me, how much problems have you fixed, how many of my dreams have you made come true, how many times have you mended my heart, so many, every time you come through, every single time.

I miss you, I miss being eighteen and pregnant and heartbroken and committing myself completely to you, singing to you, praising you and learning all about you. You filled my heart and made me feel whole again.

I miss my dad, I miss how he reminds me of you, I miss how much he believed in you and spent all his time living in peace that surpasses understanding because he knew you were behind him, he gave me a book and wrote in it the force behind you is far greater than the task in front of you. I miss him, his hands, and his heart. I miss how he would stay true in the chaos, I miss my dad and I miss you, my knowledge of you that lives inside me, his knowledge, the power to keep going. Peace is a promise you keep and my anxiety fails to remember that. You always come through so why do I fear.

I am your daughter.

I am yours and you are mine. I will forever carry you with me, in my heart, I know you holding my hand.

To my God and to my father ♥️

About these letters

To know me you need to know I’m not perfect, I’m wild, I’m crazy , I have done crazy things and I still do.

I swear, I have tattoos , I’m impulsive, obsessive and sometimes aggressive but through all of it these are two men who loved me and I knew they did and I loved them through all of my shit because I knew their love was unconditional. I’m not easy to love, speak to my friends and speak to my family, I’m not always all happy and sweet, sometimes I’m red and feisty! If I have never been mad at you, then you have never been that close to me! These letters are just about me connecting to these two people again as I seem to be so detached to everything because I’m so disconnected to them. My dad passed and I distanced myself to him which meant to God too.

I am a better me when I am closer to them. So here it goes, me writing my love letter to you both.

Dear Dad

My heart aches for you like no other, I always told you, you not allowed to die before me and you always laughed at me and then it happened, suddenly without a sign or warning, you passed and everything just became so unreal.

When things go wrong I would pray and come to you and your words would always put me at ease. You taught me about God through your ways and you taught me about his unconditional love by loving me unconditionally. Have you ever met a more hectic child because that was me but through it all you stayed and loved me. You always said you my child, and I’m here, don’t worry and now you not here and I can’t seem to acknowledge it. I seem to just say it’s okay. I don’t want to think about you being gone or cry about it. I just carry on and try and remember you and what you would say and when I do remember you and your words, I laugh, you always made me laugh because your words were always truth even if they came in a brutally honest way which is why I guess so much people loved you. You stayed true.

I use to pray a lot and praise God a lot, I still do but not as much as I use to.

Whenever I praise him which you know I love to play music and spend hours just singing all my love to him in awe of what he has done for me and so many , I get sad lately when I do this because he reminds me of you. Not in a bad way of course but because he is my father that’s in heaven and now you are there too. Might sound strange but this is how my mind works.

I miss you.

I miss you driving all the way from Wynberg to my apartment in Century City to kill a mouse or fix my GHD that broke for the twentieth time because no way could I go to work without doing my hair.

I miss crying my lungs out and you just being there letting me know its okay.

I miss driving to you at 2am and asking you to pray for me because I had the worst night ever.

I miss you buying me every face product in the world even though you couldn’t afford it because my breakouts worried me.

I miss that when I did photo shoots and your friends would come to you, all you would say is, if I had a body like that, I would do that too.

I miss your voice

Your laugh

Your angry and annoyed look

The way you clenched your teeth and looked like a pitbull when you were mad

I miss you teaching me everything

I miss your support, having someone who I knew completely and utterly supported me no matter what.

You were the someone who completely and utterly loved me and you showed it.

I miss knowing you always there so I actually never gave a fuk about much because I knew you had me and I’d be okay.

I seldom cry about you or get emotional because I can’t seem to connect, I might be a little bit detached from emotions which I find comfortable but writing gets me to speak silently and heals me so I write you a letter.

I wish you were here, we all do.

You were actually someone who made the world a better place.

Thank you

You were the best dad, you really really were.

I also wish you would of met Eli, I think you would of laughed at having a redhead pale ginger grandson and loved it because it’s just something we would of never thought of, you would of loved him like you loved Zac. His actually really funny and tough and wild just like you like it! Stout!

I miss you and I think of you every day.

Dear God

I’m sorry I have little faith in you lately.

I have always loved you and will always love you, my faith for you is something that nothing or no one can ever take away. I have experienced your love and presence in the most intimate of ways. You have saved my life literally over and over again. You have saved my world and you have mended my heart, every single time. How many times have you made my dreams come true? How many things have I experienced that I would of never thought someone like me would experience? But because of you, I have. Because I am your daughter I have, you always pull through for me. So why now when I am so close to something happening that’s a dream for me, am I being impatient and anxious! I remember you saying when you impatient it means you think you more important than someone else, I remember you saying you of little faith

Matthew 6:25-30

That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life—whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn’t life more than food, and your body more than clothing? Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren’t you far more valuable to him than they are? Can all your worries add a single moment to your life?

“And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing, yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?

I miss my God knowledge

I miss studying you daily and relying on you and you alone because people disappoint because they just people but you don’t. I miss walking by faith and not by sight. I miss you.

I miss you and my dad staying true through the chaos , I miss you both teaching me to stand tall through it all. I miss having you here and I miss being still knowing you are God.

I still fall to my knees in awe of all you do.

Jesus you are the keeper of peace and lover of all. To follow your ways and love like you love, how great would that be.

Here I am to worship

Here I am to bow down

Here I am to say that you my god and

Thank you for always sticking around.

Amen

My favorite worship songs;

Bones-Hillsong

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8xkwt8C33Go

Peace-Hillsong

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fKKd15f5XWY

Oceans-Hillsong

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OP-00EwLdiU

Avalanche –Hillsong

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FJ2_Gg6ka-k

I will exalt you-Hillsong

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CSkYP4MSTX0

Everything-Hillsong

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5N5nxeqvXRc

As he layed in a coma dying I played bones for him by hillsong in his ear and I swear he smiled ♥️

Rip Superhero of mine

Alphonsus Leo Hufkie aka Fonnie A.K.A DAD

1954-2018


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